I’m hungry: Neue Galerie
I’m kind of just going for the gift shop: American Folk Art Museum
I’m overstimulated: Noguchi Museum
I’m under-stimulated: The Museum of Sex
I’m on a 2nd date: Fisher Landau Center
I appreciate yachts and a subtle seam of homoeroticism: Forbes Gallery
I need to break up with someone: Fraunces Tavern (beer!)
My parents are in town: Socrates Sculpture Park (followed by a Costco trip)
My artist parents are in town: Judd Foundation (book well in advance)
My friend from college wants to see the “Real” New York: The Tenement Museum
I love animals: Queens County Farm Museum
I hate animals: Torah Animal World
I want a please-touch experience: Torah Animal World
I want to travel a long way: Bartow-Pell Mansion
I want to ride my bike up a giant hill: Jacques Marchais Museum of Tibetan Art
I want to visit the pre-eminent Himalayan collection in Staten Island: Jacques Marchais Museum of Tibetan Art
I need a place to sketch tombs in delightful solitude: The Hispanic Society
This is a Really Serious Piece 
What museum should you visit when your friends are visiting from Italy with 2 small children? The Brooklyn Children’s Museum. 🙂 we are happy we got to share 1 of the many with you Allison.
Alas, your list seems not to include The Morgan Library and Museum. It’s fantastic, don’t miss it. http://www.themorgan.org/
Hi Barbara – You’re absolutely right! And so astute for noticing. We actually visited the Morgan Library Museum, so we’ll add it in! Thanks for calling it out 🙂